thanks mom

There's a story my mom told me so often when I was a kid that it became part of our family folklore. Whether it was 100% true or embellished for comedic effect, we may never know (she passed away when I was 20). 

The story goes like this: She got terrible grades during her first semester of college, and she was really freaking out about how to tell her parents. She decided that she would call home and tell them there was an awful fire in her dormitory, but she made it out safely.  Then when they fussed over her and told her they were just happy she was safe, she would drop the bomb that actually there was no fire, but she was getting bad grades. The theory was that her parents would be so relieved that she was alive that they wouldn't be upset about the grades. According to her, that's exactly what happened!

Even though I didn't have this story in mind when I wrote the letter explaining to friends and family that our kid is transgender, it seems to have had a similar effect. Several people have commented that as they read through the beginning of the email, they were so worried that something truly life-threatening was happening, that by the time they got to the whole transgender thing, they were just grateful it wasn't more serious.

So, thank you mom. Even though you're not here in person, I feel like somehow you were a part of helping me write this letter that was so important for me to get right.

Here's the letter, for posterity. I must thank the members of the FB group for parents of transgender kids for sharing some of the ideas they used when speaking to friends and family. I couldn't have written this without their advice (and in a couple of instances, their actual words).

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31 March 2015

Hello family and friends,

Settle in for a bit, this is kind of a long email.

You have been there through so many stages in our lives and now we ask for your support as we begin another adventure in parenting. And life.

It was this time of year in 1999, when you celebrated with us as we announced our little peanut's impending arrival. Later that year you wrapped us in love when our child was born. All we wanted was a healthy baby (red hair would be a bonus) and we got one! And five years ago, you supported us when E was diagnosed with diabetes. At the time we thought that would be our defining challenge as parents, but maybe it was just a reality check to let us know what was really important. The health and safety of our child.

Over the past couple of years, E has been dealing with extreme anxiety, depression and panic attacks. We tried to get to the bottom of it, but as the months went by, we felt our child slipping away from us. Last November, E was finally able to name and share with us what was causing much of the turmoil. And luckily there is a state-of-the-art clinic at Children's Hospital here dealing with this issue for hundreds of children in our community. The medical diagnosis is Gender Dysphoria.

Here's the good news. Since E began seeing the expert medical team at Children's, the panic attacks have abated and the anxiety and depression have been greatly managed. The teenager we felt slipping away from us has returned to fill our home with silliness and laughter, and E's eyes have a spark in them we've not seen in some time. We feel like we have our kid back, and we have seen what it is like to lose E, more than once. As with the diabetes diagnosis, we are doing everything we can to keep E healthy and safe.

Here's the part that may be difficult for some of you to accept, though if that is the case, we hope that it is only due to fear of the unknown. We will do our best to share what we've learned with you so it's easier for you to understand.

In plain terms: E is transgender. 

When E was born, the doctor looked between those chunky newborn legs and announced that E was a girl. So we raised E as a girl. Obviously! But it turns out that gender is not binary, but rather a spectrum. Is this news to you? It certainly was to me! I've been learning all kinds of things in the past several months. I will do my best not to overwhelm you with information.

No one really knows EXACTLY why most people are born with anatomy that matches their gender, and others are not, though studies point to it being caused by genetic triggers. Now may not be the best time for a science lesson, so I'll try to sum it up as succinctly as possible.

When the fetus is developing in utero, it receives two separate doses of hormones to decide which gender the baby will be: one dose for the brain and one for the anatomy. This means that the genital-sex and brain-sex development are independent of and separated chronologically from each other, and owing to genetic variation or chance events in development, in some cases, they may not end up matching one another.

So the idea is: E's body got the message to be a girl, but by the time it came for E's brain to get the message, something went wonky and it got the message to be a boy. You may have heard this referred to as "I Was Born in the Wrong Body" or "I Have the Brain of a Boy but the Body of a Girl". While technically applicable to E's situation, that's not exactly how E would describe it.

E might say something like: "When I was born, the doctor said I was a girl. As I got older, I wasn't super 'girly' so people called me a tomboy, because I liked to dress and act in ways that society views as traditionally male. I was fine being a 'boyish girl', because I looked around and saw plenty of girls that liked to dress and act on the less feminine side of things, even my own mom! But when puberty began and my body started to change, I realized that things were not right at all. It wasn't until I learned about transgender people in my sex education class that I finally had a name for how I'd been feeling (besides completely uneasy in my own skin). It would take me a long time to share this with my mom."

Of course E never actually said any of that. It was more like, "I'm not a girl."

After lots of research, meetings with amazing doctors at Children’s Hospital, and most importantly, listening carefully over time to my kid, E has begun what is called a "social transition". And this is where you come in. Luckily for you guys, you don't have to learn about fasting blood glucose tests, or insulin-to-carb ratios or administering glucagon in the event of extreme hypoglycemia, which I may have asked you to do right after the diabetes diagnosis.

All you have to do is continue to love and support my child as you have for the last 15 years. I know that some of you are still getting used to the switch from [childhood nickname] to [birth name], but hang in there because here comes another one. E chose his new name himself. It is E____ [redacted for internet safety]. And please use he/him/his pronouns.

That is literally all I ask of you. Try to get E's name and pronouns right. I know it won't be easy at first and you might slip up. I understand. Just keep trying. I support him completely as he continues to grow into the funny, thoughtful and empathetic young man he has always been.

I understand you may need some time to process this news. But I hope that you will open your heart as I have opened mine. I know the road ahead may be rocky at times but I feel that the support of loved ones will make E's journey a bit easier.

I love E unconditionally. My utmost commitment is to support him in living life as his true self. Research shows there is nothing more damaging than to force a transgender child to live as someone they are not, simply to conform to societal expectations. I am extremely proud of E for being brave enough to share his authentic self with me and I feel lucky to have been chosen to be his parent.

Being transgender is not a choice. How we handle this as E's family is.

HERE IS A LINK to an article and short video about a local family that I met at the same clinic E goes to. I hope you take the time to watch it, as it may do a better job of explaining everything than this overly long email has.

I expect you may have some questions, so please feel free to call or email me.

Love,

Shannon and E

PS Please forgive the formality of this group email, but I felt it was the best way to let everyone know at once. I also wanted to allow you the opportunity to examine your hearts privately without needing to give me an immediate reaction.

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After I wrote this letter, I asked E to have a look at it, to make sure he was cool with everything I wrote. He returned it to me with many notations, with this included at the top. I love this kid.